1. BOOK REVIEW: by Amanda Saunders and Sarah Owen
This new book from Katy Sara Culling is a powerful and honest account of a life that has been deeply affected by mental illness. The book follows Katy Sara’s astonishing journey - from displaying symptoms of bipolar disorder at a very young age through her struggles with bullying, anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, depression, hospitalization and eventual bipolar diagnosis as a twenty-something PhD student at Oxford University. This is a raw, no-holds-barred life story, with some blisteringly powerful passages describing her 443 suicide attempts. At times almost painful to read, ‘Dark Clouds Gather’ deals with subjects that society often finds difficult to discuss, and will undoubtedly help both those who live with mental illness to know they’re not alone and the public in general to understand a condition that’s commonly steeped in stereotype and stigma. Medical professionals should read this book!
2. Somewhere the Sun is Breaking Through by Madeline Anderson.
It is an extremely rare thing to find an honest depiction of mental disorders in literature or media. For the most part accounts are simplified, romanticised, and the implication that a “cure” is readily available is common. Although recent years have seen a number of attempts to rectify that situation, few accounts succeed in providing a thorough, factual or first-hand exploration of the various elements of this kind of illness. Dark Clouds Gather: The True Story About Surviving Mood Disorders, Eating Disorders, Attempted Suicide and Self-Harm by Katy Sara Culling meets all of these criteria and is one of the most painfully honest books I have ever read.
Culling writes Dark Clouds Gather as an autobiographical account of her experiences as a child, teenager and adult suffering from (largely undiagnosed for much of that time) bipolar I disorder with a host of concurrent conditions. She is a highly intelligent individual who has studied chemistry, biochemistry, medicine and psychiatry to various levels up to and including a DPhil at Oxford. She is distinguished among sufferers of such conditions to fall at the severe end of the bipolar spectrum and has exhibited attitudes of extreme (albeit quiet) violence towards herself and frequent, sometimes near-constant suicidal ideation. Culling is therefore particularly well, if not uniquely qualified to present the many aspects of her illness with both the awareness of her feelings at the time combined with highly analytical hindsight. She writes articulately about the circles in which her mind could run, exposing without judgement or awkwardness the less desirable view of the world and of individuals that is somewhat inevitable for someone with that condition.
Culling also documents the various attempts at help she was offered, highlighting shortfalls in the systems as well as her own unwillingness or inability to take the opportunities offered to her. She details the situations where she was supported and how those situations could develop to her benefit, and also provides just criticism for the shortfalls in those arrangements. A clear theme through the later chapters indicates how institutionalised Culling became during her voluntary committal to hospital of a course of many months. She illustrates the development of an “us and them” culture in that situation which counteracted the care she received by contriving situations and bending the rules in concert with the other in-patients to meet the needs of their various conditions. She details thoroughly how she was able to continue self harming and suicidal behaviour on a regular basis despite being in a situation where she should have been safe and these behaviours should have been noted and prevented. Culling does not provide an acquittal or a damnation for the institutions she attended, leaving the reader to form their own judgement to what degree any single treatment or group of treatments may have helped or hindered her.
Culling is a miracle - in more senses than one. She is a miracle because she lives, having detailed no less than 443 identifiable suicide attempts in just under thirty years of life. She is a miracle because she has been clinically dead on at least one occasion and possibly more. She is a miracle because her intent with writing the book was to write "the book I needed to read when I was ill," and in doing so has given more of herself that anyone would be expected to give into the public arena. Most importantly, though, she is a miracle because she continues to give, online, in her work with Equilibrium, the Bipolar foundation, producing more books (I am aware of at least two further volumes in production) and she continues to improve to this day. The final chapter of the book, though hopeful, is tinged with resignation to her illness: the epilogue some years later is brighter by far. The structure of the last few chapters is essential for anyone reading the book who fears that they do, will or may exhibit some or all of the same symptoms that Culling describes. While the chapters written about the depths of her depressive periods can be at times painful to read, the sheer relief of recovery in the final pages of the book is one of the most honest elements, truly reflecting the gentle euphoria of a person who has suffered depression when they wake and realise that the clouds are beginning to part above them.
In terms of readability, Culling's writing style is not my style of choice, as I prefer a formal tone with a slightly obsessive-compulsive need to have the formatting consistent throughout. Nonetheless I found her writing compelling throughout as the style does reflect the subject matter. The narrative, unrelenting in places, is structured and augmented by frequent quotations from other writers, and supported by extracts from Culling's diaries from the time and her medical notes.
Dark Clouds Gather is by no means an easy read. It is in places painful, tiring and frustrating, sparing little detail save the uncommon knowledge that could provide potential readers with the means to end their lives. It is however a compelling story and the final chapter provides such a powerful lift that you cannot help but feel that there is hope, not just for Culling but for anyone fighting the same demons.
Anyone struggling with mood disorders, eating disorders, anyone feeling a loss of hope or lack of self-esteem, and anyone struggling to know how to support and understand a friend or family member in that position, medical professionals, this book is a must. Nowhere else will you find such honesty and understanding.
3. Review by Sabine Buttinger – not bipolar/depressed, not related to anyone who is, and not a medical professional, and yet considers this a most important book!
Right after my copy arrived I read through it in one big thrilling session – despite its grim content I was hooked immediately and Katy’s story has stayed with me long after I turned the last page. Suffering from severest (and for a long time undiagnosed) bipolar disorder as well as eating disorders and self-harm, the author has been haunted by unspeakable depression that resulted in over 400 serious suicide attempts. It is a miracle that she survived. As a PhD in clinical medicine she now dedicates part of her time to help fellow sufferers.
Hers is a story that should be read not only by fellow sufferers, their friends and relatives as well as medical professionals, but simply by everyone. This is my perspective: I don’t belong to any of those groups, yet I consider her book one of the most important I’ve read in a long, long time.
So what is there to be learned from “Dark Clouds Gather”? Katy Sara stripped her soul bare in order to create a greater understanding for people with mental illness. Her brutal honesty and frankness, but also her high intelligence, allowing her to analyse her own suffering, provide a rare and precious glimpse into what it means to live with bipolar disorder. It is horrifying to see what immense pain and agony she lives in, invisible to others but constantly and brutally raging within her.
What upsets me is the damage caused by others, by more or less thoughtlessly uttered words, lack of empathy, primitive and outrageous bullying and, in case of several medical professionals, prejudgement and open cruelty. This is what I, a non-sufferer, will take with me, a remainder that words and deeds do, in fact, harm others.
Despite all this, Katy Sara's story is one of hope for everyone who finds themselves trapped in the dark. Not only may anyone profit from the very useful collection of (internet) addresses at the end of the book, covering many aspects of mental illness, eating disorders and suicide. It is also the note of optimism with which Katy Sara's book ends and which, I hope, reaches many, many readers.
4. Review by Dave.
Your book arrived today. I just finished reading it (that being the first time I've read an entire book in one day for some unfathomable number of years). It's the scariest and bravest thing I've ever read. I can't imagine how brave you must be to have written it. It makes me realise how little I ever understood about the problems you've faced, and amazed (more than I was before) that you are so willing (and capable) to deal with and try to help other people's problems.
It's an amazing book and I hope you're suitably proud of it. You rule.
5. Review by Pamela Doupe
I just wanted to announce that I have finished reading KS's book Dark Clouds Gather.
What a fabulous read! I am not bipolar but my son is and this book has given me an inside look into some of the thought processes and warning signs to watch out for.
KS's book is a no nonsense, in your face description of the very, very lows (depths of hell really). This book is not all gloom and doom however. There are triumphs to be had, happiness to be regained and goals once thought impossible can be achieved!!!
Katy Sara makes some very important points very clear to either the person with bipolar of the carer. While finding the right medications for you are crucial and having a good mental health team to back you up, this does not mean you are "cured" and will never again have to deal with certain torments at times. Katy Sara does not give anyone illusions of grandeur that meds and therapy will send you skipping through beautiful meadows and sunshine for the rest of your life. No rose colored glasses here.
Katy Sara cautions that "Dark Clouds Gather" from time to time. This book helps a person to know their triggers and to be self aware of early warning signs. Katy Sara encourages all that when the darkness rears it's ugly head again and harmful, negative thoughts return to not give in! Do not be ashamed! Do not feel like all has failed! These moments will pass and the sun will shine through yet again.
There are accounts in this book that are hard to read because Katy Sara takes you to her darkest places. She takes you to her deepest hurts. In the end however, there is hope. No one is alone. No one has to try to manage by themselves.
I have expressed my appreciation to Katy Sara and I also wanted to express my gratitude here in case anyone here has been pondering reading this book.
This is just a bit of my sharing about what Katy Sara's book has ment to me and the insights gained that will hopefully enable me to be more supportive and informed in order to help my son. I am also examining myself more closely. Very uncomfortable thing to do, but I have needed to for a long time anyway.